Where compassion and fear meet

Which one do you listen to?

Someone recently asked me why I think the best way to meet fear is with compassion.

In response, I told them this story…

My friend Tom is a working parent living in a large city. On his way to the grocery store one evening, at the end of a long day, he sees a woman and four children sitting by the side of the road. The woman is holding a sign with the words “PLEASE HELP FEED MY FAMILY.”

Tom stops. He asks the woman what she needs and realises she hasn’t understood the question. One of the children – the eldest, Tom thinks – explains in broken English that they have been given a place to stay, but not enough to eat. Tom asks them what they like to eat and walks on. A little while later he comes back with food to last them a few days. He also gives them a grocery store token for later. Then he goes home.

In this situation there is no rule book. There is no one way. There is only what we – you, me and Tom – feel is right. We can walk on by, or we can stop. If we stop, we can give money, buy them a drink or food, have a conversation, donate to a suitable charity, do something else, or do nothing. The factors influencing our choice may be personal: like our values and beliefs - which influence, for example, our view of whether people ‘deserve’ our help or not. Or they may be practical, like how much time and money we have. Or they may be directly driven by something more deeply human, like compassion or fear.

All this, and more, influences what you do in the moment: whether you turn toward or turn away from the difficulty facing you, whatever it may be.

For Tom, the biggest challenge is his fear of getting involved. He doesn’t trust his own boundaries. He’s afraid of getting drawn in, being duped, being taken advantage of and in the end doing more harm than good. Whatever he does, he always feels he could have done more, and this painful feeling stays with him for days to come.

“I feel so torn,” he told me. “I wrestle with it all the time.”

Tom’s desire to relieve suffering – his compassion – is constrained by his fear of some kind of negative consequence. Compassion and fear are like opposing forces residing within him: one, clear and connected, urging him forward; the other, fear-based, pulling him back.

Within Tom, within every one of us, is a human being struggling to find their way. Our struggle is our relationship with our own inner obstacles, many of which are borne of unconscious fear.

If we can surface the fears, and examine them with the kind of compassionate understanding we’d give to someone we love, then there’s a good chance we’ll find our way to the right action.

. . . . . .

I’m curious, how does this land with you?

I’d love to hear your story. And, if you’re up for sharing it with others through my podcast - Fearless Forward - please do reach out to me. Through your story, we might all learn to understand ourselves better.

With love from the mountain,

Sally-Anne